He had been hitting on me over the internet (in part of a little group, so everyone could see it) as a joke for quite some time. It was actually pretty funny because he's the last person you'd expect to hit on anyone (because of his adorable shyness), but then his remarks became less and less sleazy, and more and more adorably sweet.

We were all at a Halloween party when we were playing truth or dare. He chose truth. My friend asked him if he had ever actually liked me. He wouldn't answer, so he chose dare instead. The same friend dared him to kiss me. He made everyone leave, and then he was still being really shy, so I just went and kissed him.

Then the same friend dared me to kiss him, so I did.

Turns out, he was practically in love with me. He wanted so much to ask me out, but he was too nervous and shy. He poured his heart out in emails to the same friend that dared us to kiss, and she eventually had to ask me out for him. I sent him a definite YES, and then the friend sent me the sequence of emails that he had sent her. Those messages are just about the sweetest thing I've ever seen.
The strangest thing about this is that I've always been the "just friends" friend. To see exactly how this boy feels about me was beyond explanation.

3:00- We looked out the window and saw a lamppost. We thought it was our history teacher.

Once we had a garage sale and there was a little plastic toy dog we were selling for a dollar. A middle aged couple came over. The woman asked me how much it was, and I told her. She said to her husband, "She says she wants a quarter for it." I was only 10 so I didn't know how to deal with it, so they got a cheap plastic dog for a quarter.

A few weeks later I was taking a walk on my street when I saw the dog lying in the grass, covered in dirt.

Mike, the Holocaust survivor who lived across the street. His wife, Sheila, died of cancer before I was old enough to understand what cancer was. I attended his granddaughter's bat mitzvah when I was about 7 or 8, and didn't understand a lot about Judaism. I remember the party, when the girl's friends (who seemed very big and grown up to me, although they were only around 13) asked me if I wanted to come dance with them.
I also went to Mike's grandson's bar mitzvah. I was 11 then, and had just started studying for my bat mitzvah, so I knew more about the service. The only thing I remember about the party was that there was a game to see which of the kid's tables would be the first in the dessert line, and I helped my table win by stealing another kid's french fry.

Another thing I remember about Mike was that once, my parents and I went across the street to his house for dinner. We looked out on the street from the living room window. I saw my own front porch (which had a porch swing on it) and told my dad, "Hey, that house has a swing like ours." I must have been about 5 years old.

I carry Belgium, Russia, and Poland.
I carry the Jewish heritage.
I carry microbiology, the Vietnam war, and substitute teaching.
I carry Yonkers, Antwerp, Minsk, and Chicago.

I carry Steinberg, Rubin, Dresner, and Berliner.

The best place to cry is the shower.

My timing is never right.

May 3rd, 2008: I didn't cry until about 20 minutes after I got the news.

I have a small journal that I use to record dreams. I found it last night, with about five or six written down. I remember all but one vividly, the oldest being several years old. It just goes to show that old dreams never die.

I got so much bat mitzvah money that I'm almost afraid to spend any of it.

In 7th grade, I saw my kindergarten teacher at a Baskin Robbins and didn't recognize her, although she recognized me.

I learned that even though the school faculty seems nice, all they want to do is make money.

See, I was the only kid in my class at that Jewish private day school who could read. My parents asked the faculty if they could do more for me so I could get the education I needed, but the faculty said that they were doing "all we can" for me, which wasn't very much. So I got transferred to a school for gifted children.

I was 12.
He was a day older than me. I didn't know that then. I did know he was extremely short, and really cute.

That one day we were at a bar mitzvah. The service hadn't started yet. He was in the row in front of me, and we were just talking over the back of the pew. And I had this sudden urge to kiss him. I wasn't in love with him. I didn't even like him, you know, like a crush. I just wanted to kiss him.

The next bat mitzvah we went to we asked each other to dance simultaneously. He told everyone I asked him, but I told everyone he asked me. Two days later I found out he liked me.

We went through this 4 month period in which we were both in love with each other, but neither had the guts to ask the other out.

Then it happened.
The day before his bar mitzvah, the day I was going to ask me out (lest I die in the shower, as my friend predicted), he told my cousin (who I'm very close to) that he didn't like me anymore, and would she please tell me.